Why is life never like it is in books? Nothing Jacqueline Wilson ever happens to me. I am not adopted, my mum is not tattooed, I am not likely to move to the middle of a council estate or be put into care. My parents are not alcoholics, drug addicts or closet transvestites. Even my name is pants. In other words, my life is earth-shatteringly NORMAL. This cannot go on. Something deep and life-changing has to happen. This year I shall befriend more exotic and interesting people, learn to drink coffee (tragic heroines do not start the day with Cheerios and lemon barley) and capture the heart of Justin Statham with my vintage clothing and knowledge of all-time great guitar solos. It's time for my so-called life to be brought up to speed. Starting now.

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